Do You Fear Setting Boundaries?
Many many years ago, I worked as a call-in operator (think customer service rep) for a radio show. My job required me to read books in order to better help customers with their purchases. The radio show would talk about books and since this was PRE-WEB – the radio listeners would call into order the books, rather than clicking over to Amazon. This was 1997 people.
One of the first books handed to me at the lovely age of 18, was Boundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. A wonderful book that I am sure I have sold 100 copies of by referencing people to in the last 13 years – and a book I should re-read.
How I wish I had actually followed thru on the books advice in my younger years. The word BOUNDARIES didn’t start making sense to me until 7 years ago.
Personal boundaries are guidelines, rules or limits that a person creates to identify for themselves what are reasonable, safe and permissible ways for other people to behave around them and how they will respond when someone steps outside those limits.
Does this sound scary to you? As an ex-people pleaser – this word FREAKED ME OUT. Personal boundaries would mean that I would have to say “NO” and I didn’t know how to do that. I was TOO busy trying to get people to like me by saying “YES”.
Then I Became a Mom.
Oh the lessons that a child teaches you.
To me, becoming a mother turned on my maturity switch.
Becoming a mother MADE me set personal boundaries.
All of a sudden MY TIME, was not just mine. That meant the time I spent in the shower, at work, in the car, with friends – all was now my child’s time.
I had to identify how MY TIME could return to MY TIME. Setting up personal boundaries and saying no was what I had to do.
Sometimes I had to say to no to work, no to showers (if you are a mother, YOU GET IT), no to my husband, no to my friends – and yes, even no to my child.
Slowly the motherhood thing worked the people pleaser trait out of me. Personal boundaries was my new BFF.
As life has transitioned from 1 child to 3 children – without the personal boundaries in place, life would be unattainable.
Setting Boundaries is Setting Expectations
Unless you are Miss Cleo, chances are you can’t read minds.
Sorry to break this news to you, but it’s true. YOU my friend, are NOT a mind reader.
Setting boundaries is setting expectations. Wait, how does that relate to Miss Cleo and mind reading? Well… have you ever disappointed someone and not known why or what you did because you can’t read minds?
If that person had effectively communicated what they did not like in regards to why you disappointed them, then they wouldn’t be upset with you.
Same thing with children – but KNOW they will cross the line, test and ignore your boundaries – but keep firm and set them.
As mad as I got when Z wrote I LOVE YOU in sharpie on the walls in the laundry room (she was 4) – I didn’t tell her she couldn’t write on the walls. Sure, she would most likely of written regardless if I told her or not – but should I punish her for something that she didn’t know she did wrong? No. If I had set the boundary and she crossed it – Yes.
Being in management is a true test of boundaries. Fortunately for me, I have a great team. And even more fortunate for me – they respect my boundaries.
Am I perfect?
Nope.
Do I forget and get mad when someone crosses my boundaries?
Yep.
It’s all a process and progress is made each time I mess up, which I do. alot. and everytime I say alot – I picture ->
Do You Fear Setting Boundaries?
I am amazed by how many people FEAR setting boundaries. But then again, I was once one of those who feared boundaries as well.
Setting boundaries, as scary as it is – is essential to creating a balanced life. This isn’t just a work thing, this is a volunteer thing, a parent thing, a spouse thing, a friend thing, a daughter thing, a sister thing – I could go on, but I’ll spare you the details, this once.
Setting boundaries isn’t a bad thing. Don’t fear it. Be open-minded. Remember your non-negotiables. You are YOUR champion.
In the words of the Rob Schneider’s character: